Happy New Year!!!
I’m behind in my updates about my lessons because I’ve been transitioning from a focus on mindfulness and brain science to Nonviolent Communication (with most students). For those not familiar with nonviolence, I’m going to do my best here to summarize how I generally present the idea to students.
1. Nonviolence (much more than just not hitting) is a way to win a fight without throwing a punch. Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Nelson Mandela have many things in common, and this is one – they won their fights in a big way.
2. Nonviolence assumes that our emotions come from met and unmet needs. When we explore and understand our feelings and those of others in that context, we can often meet previously unmet needs and move everyone towards happiness. Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Nelson Mandela were angry. They understood the injustice at the root of their anger, though, and addressed the injustice directly through dialogue and passive resistance – never through revenge, physical or personal violence, or coercion.
3. It is essential to distinguish needs (which every human shares) from preferences (which we do not). Aside from the obvious physical needs (food, water, air, etc.), we have other needs which are often more difficult to meet – respect, company, space, rest, freedom (autonomy), doing something well (competence)… Our preferences, however, are more like priorities. I’ve asked several classes if they “need” feet… the inevitable response is, yes. Yet I have a clear memory of a school principal I formerly worked under who had both legs amputated at the knee, who continued to find happiness in his family and work, in spite of his handicap. His needs were being met, he believed that, so he was (and is) happy. On the other hand, I ask kids if they “need” pizza… inevitably several students say they do. We clarify that they feel sad when they don’t have pizza, yet other students who don’t claim a “need” for pizza are already wise to my trick question – they feel just fine when they don’t get pizza. It’s a matter of thinking about the world – if we can change our mindset to accept and be grateful for what we have, and if our needs are met, we can be happy. I also try to make clear that all people have drastically different ways to meet their needs, and that’s important to realize. A Portlander will need to dress differently from an Angeline; someone who wakes at 5 will be tired before someone who woke later; an adult will meet many needs differently from a child; girls from boys; blind people from the sighted; curly haired people from straight-haired people… ad infinitum.
4. Finally, we conclude our first lesson by putting “feeling” leaves on “needs” trees to contrast feelings when our needs are met from feelings when our needs are not met.
I feel like the lesson has been valuable to students, so I plan on continuing in this direction in the coming weeks. My hope is to help students understand how to communicate their feelings & needs with others and hear feelings and needs of others even when they aren’t stated as such. I will also attempt to teach responsibility for one’s own feelings – “you” don’t “make me mad”. I’m mad because what you are doing makes it harder for me to meet my need for _______. As a fun activity, we may explore thinking that makes us miserable, inspired by the book “How to Make Yourself Miserable” by Dan Greenberg. One of my favorite tips from the book is to compare yourself to others. This might lead to an important discussion with our older kids about the effects of social media on our happiness!
I’m behind in my updates about my lessons because I’ve been transitioning from a focus on mindfulness and brain science to Nonviolent Communication (with most students). For those not familiar with nonviolence, I’m going to do my best here to summarize how I generally present the idea to students.
1. Nonviolence (much more than just not hitting) is a way to win a fight without throwing a punch. Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Nelson Mandela have many things in common, and this is one – they won their fights in a big way.
2. Nonviolence assumes that our emotions come from met and unmet needs. When we explore and understand our feelings and those of others in that context, we can often meet previously unmet needs and move everyone towards happiness. Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Nelson Mandela were angry. They understood the injustice at the root of their anger, though, and addressed the injustice directly through dialogue and passive resistance – never through revenge, physical or personal violence, or coercion.
3. It is essential to distinguish needs (which every human shares) from preferences (which we do not). Aside from the obvious physical needs (food, water, air, etc.), we have other needs which are often more difficult to meet – respect, company, space, rest, freedom (autonomy), doing something well (competence)… Our preferences, however, are more like priorities. I’ve asked several classes if they “need” feet… the inevitable response is, yes. Yet I have a clear memory of a school principal I formerly worked under who had both legs amputated at the knee, who continued to find happiness in his family and work, in spite of his handicap. His needs were being met, he believed that, so he was (and is) happy. On the other hand, I ask kids if they “need” pizza… inevitably several students say they do. We clarify that they feel sad when they don’t have pizza, yet other students who don’t claim a “need” for pizza are already wise to my trick question – they feel just fine when they don’t get pizza. It’s a matter of thinking about the world – if we can change our mindset to accept and be grateful for what we have, and if our needs are met, we can be happy. I also try to make clear that all people have drastically different ways to meet their needs, and that’s important to realize. A Portlander will need to dress differently from an Angeline; someone who wakes at 5 will be tired before someone who woke later; an adult will meet many needs differently from a child; girls from boys; blind people from the sighted; curly haired people from straight-haired people… ad infinitum.
4. Finally, we conclude our first lesson by putting “feeling” leaves on “needs” trees to contrast feelings when our needs are met from feelings when our needs are not met.
I feel like the lesson has been valuable to students, so I plan on continuing in this direction in the coming weeks. My hope is to help students understand how to communicate their feelings & needs with others and hear feelings and needs of others even when they aren’t stated as such. I will also attempt to teach responsibility for one’s own feelings – “you” don’t “make me mad”. I’m mad because what you are doing makes it harder for me to meet my need for _______. As a fun activity, we may explore thinking that makes us miserable, inspired by the book “How to Make Yourself Miserable” by Dan Greenberg. One of my favorite tips from the book is to compare yourself to others. This might lead to an important discussion with our older kids about the effects of social media on our happiness!